“Do you currently employ any special methods for accessing your existential intelligence? Can you distinguish in your mind times when you have employed your existential intelligence and times when you haven’t?”
I found this lesson particularly resonant, as I’ve been deeply introspective about my human existence from a young age. I’ve always had this intuitive sense within me, a familiarity with life that suggested I’ve traveled this path before. This innate knowledge even guided my decision not to pursue parenthood in this lifetime, feeling as though I’ve embraced that role numerous times in past incarnations. Instead, I’ve chosen to dedicate this life to personal fulfillment and a broader, more impactful mission.
My journey led me to the world of acting precisely because I recognized the sacredness of being human. I became a professional actress with the understanding that life itself is a profound experience. Through reenacting life’s diverse roles, I aimed to reflect this sacredness back to others, inspiring them to discover the divine essence within themselves. This echoes the sentiment of Alan Watts, who likened existence to a cosmic game of hide and seek with the divine. There are moments when I feel profoundly connected to the universal love that binds us all, only to subsequently find myself engulfed in forgetfulness, reacting vehemently to perceived threats against my well-being.
Reflecting on the exercises regarding my engagement with existential intelligence, I can see how my life’s path embodies an ongoing dialogue with this deeper awareness. I have indeed utilized special methods to tap into this facet of my being, notably through the arts and my intuitive inclinations, and at my worst moments of wanting to ‘clock out’ early, they are what kept me hanging on for one more day. The contrast between times when I am in tune with this existential intelligence and when I am not is stark, marked by a sense of unity versus disconnection.
Having experienced my own ‘death before dying,’ I’ve been put on a new trajectory of studying the disciplines that make up daily practices of breathwork, meditation, movement, and creative expression. My aim is to continue deepening my connection with my innermost self and, in turn, share my journey to offer guidance and inspiration to others, especially those navigating the healing process from trauma and seeking to connect with their authentic inner presence.
In a world where ‘self-care‘ is a buzzword and a trendy topic, creating a foundation of self-love might just involve the most simple and basic activities. In the wake of trauma, performing the fundamental human acts of getting dressed and doing chores are huge accomplishments—since the main goal is to survive the day. I encourage other widows in the survivor of suicide group to embrace being even just slightly more selfish. You have to find a moment to be still, for silence, and to find something that gives you even just a moment of peace. No one else is going to heal you, there is no shame in being selfish while processing trauma. There is a balancing act in processing pain and cultivating the strength to stand up tall with your head held high once again. Suppressing, ignoring, and numbing the pain won’t make it go away; wallowing in it will only make the eventual rise out of the pain harder.
The human being and the gift of life are the most poetic forms of art, to quote the late Jimmy Buffett, “Some of it’s magic, and some of it’s tragic.” The freedom lies in knowing you are not your thoughts, emotions, or experiences; your true self is the witness. If you can see the sacredness in just putting yourself together, after all isn’t the human vessel – a house – to hold your light? And taking pride in your space, then you are setting yourself up for success, even if it takes weeks, months, and years to rebuild and rediscover who you were always meant to become in this lifetime.
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